2011

Kirk insists that we all call it twenty-eleven.  We are NOT, under ANY circumstances, allowed to call it two thousand eleven.  It's funny.  I'm not sure why he feels this strongly about it, but it's funny.

So.  For 2011 (twenty eleven), I have great hopes.  I recently read a friends' blog who says she doesn't do goals for New Year's because she never completes them.  She's constantly re-evaluating and changing priorities.

Seriously?!  Why haven't I thought of this before?  Something I've been thinking a lot about lately is how I'm loving being 30.  For whatever reason, it has awakened in me such an amazing sense of self awareness that I wouldn't trade for anything.  And what I'm becoming more and more aware about are the things I'm good at, and the things I'm bad at.  This may seem obvious to you.  About yourself and probably about me, too.  But I've been clueless.

One maybe not so good thing about me is that I've always been governed by "supposed to," or "should."  I  made myself feel whatever I thought I was supposed to feel in that situation.  Or what I thought others' thought I was supposed to feel. And this got in the way of me seeing myself and being myself. I've always done what I should do, or what I thought I should do, or what I thought others thought I should do.

And let's face it.  When a new year rolls around, you're supposed to make New Year's Resolutions.  Right?  WRONG!!!  Who says?  I don't know.  But not me....anymore.  NO NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR ME!

Why?

Because, like my friend, my priorities change, or my circumstances change, or my attitude changes, and suddenly, what I thought was worth spending a whole year trying to accomplish on January 1st, somehow now seems ridiculous or irrelevant.  So I don't finish the goal.  And then I feel like a failure.

This year I'm avoiding all the negativity, and trying to get a grasp on the big picture.  Where am I in my journey through life?  Where do I want to be? What's important to me now? What dreams do I have?  What visions do I have for my family?  What hopes? What parts of me could use a little nurturing and growth? How can I acknowledge the good in me and in my family?  THESE are the things that have been occupying my mind lately.

In 2011, I see our family coming out of a hard, hard time.  I see me growing, getting stronger, and yet getting more malleable, as well.  I see our home become filled with love and happiness.  Even more so than now.  And peace.  I see peace in my future. Ahhh....peace.

How can I express how deeply I yearn for peace without getting too personal and weepy? I'm not sure that I can.  The past couple of years have been filled with anxiety, uncertainty, and stress.  I look back and I see periods of growth, and sincerity, and love, and light.  But those moments flash bright in an otherwise long, dark period of frustration, anger, and self-pity.

I've learned about myself that my perfectionism can be destructive.  That my need to plan and over plan can place unreasonable expectations on my self, and on everyone around me. I've learned that God has a plan for me, whether I want to know what it is or not.  I've learned that if I watch, that if I look and pay attention, I can really see where He has stepped into my life and guided me, helped me, comforted me though I railed against Him, and loved me.  This is humbling.

So this year, I seek peace.  I want to stop doing what I'm supposed to do just because I'm supposed to do it, and start listening to my heart, my soul.

Someone once told me that I have good instincts, and to stop getting in the way of them.

This is the year I follow my instincts.  As a mother.  As a wife.  As a woman. As a friend. And forget all that I've read, all I've been told, all that I've thought, all my preconceived notions, all my "supposed tos" and "shoulds" and trust my inner voice.  Make my own choices.  Find my own path.  Steer my own course.

It's going to be a good, good year!